We’ve all noticed Freddy’s fairly prolonged absence recently and it’s because he was away on a rather secretive mission. The details of the mission are still unknown but Freddy, being the icredibly awesome guy that he is, remembered his fans and sent us a postcard recently, with a photo to go with it.
“I have been off on a very personal expedition, in search of answers to some of the more perplexing questions that Life and the Universe have thrown at me” writes Freddy. “I will not delve into the details of these questions” he continues, “for some of them can have fairly drastic and in some cases even fatal effects on the not-so-awesome people of the World. In a nutshell, I have looked inwards and outwards to find what it is that drives a person to be awesome. If it is the love and adulation, the pride, the free tee shirts and hats, the respect of the people or the complimentary foot massages from some of my masseuse fans. Whatever it is, I have looked far and wide, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
Along with the postcard, we also received this photo. What to make of it? we do not know, but we’re assuming it is Freddy looking into some sort of well of awesomeness to find answers. We hope he finds what he is looking for soon.
You may have noticed that Freddy has been missing for the past couple of days. This is because Freddy was travelling through time and space, working on his research report on the evolution of Awesomeness – A report that aims to detail the changing definitions of Awesome over time, since the origin of man. Some of Freddy’s trips have been quite successful while others have resulted in some unexpected mishaps. Yesterday Freddy aimed to travel to the dark ages but a glitch in the time vortex sent him all the way back to the Cretaceous Period where he encountered herds of carnivorous dinosaurs. He returned to the present a few moments later with a Velociraptor that he befriended and taught to fetch. The Velociraptor soon died of Meningitis.
The project has been quite successful however, with Freddy discovering that an Awesome man in the stone ages was one who could drag, back to his cave, more than 7 women at a time after the bi-weekly pool party at the local swamp where women got high by licking toads and men got their fix by punching each other in the knee-caps. Awesome women were ones who had more than 3 inches of armpit hair. Since those prehistoric times, the definition of Awesome got refined with the invention of the wheel, the development of meaningful communication and the discovery that silent farts smell more than loud ones. Then came the time of Jesus where the definition of awesome changed drastically with Christ’s greatest ever party trick – turning water into wine. After his crucifixion there was a long period of non-awesomeness as no one could replicate Christ’s Alcoholchemy. As the memory faded, awesome was redefined to suit non-Jesus like men. There was a time when conquering lands was considered awesome, there was a time when inventing things was awesome, there was also a time when running around naked was awesome. It is for these reasons that Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Isaac Newton, Archimedes, Shivaji, Kermit the frog and Yogi bear have all been awesome.
We asked Freddy if we could join him on his next time-travelling expedition but he said it was too dangerous. Instead, he offered to let us shoot him while he initiated the time-travelling process, saying that the visual display of a time-travelling vortex was so brilliantly therapeutic that it is believed to be the only known cure for Elephantiasis, Religious belief and a broken heart. We caught this shot just as the particles of time flared up to disintegrate Freddy into a million pieces, transport him through the fabric of time and reassemble him at Woodstock 1969.
Freddy’s return from Egypt was celebrated widely by all of the desk-dwellers for his absence had left a gaping hole in the aura of awesome that the desk always lives under. People came from far and wide to meet and greet and bask in the awesomeness of Freddy and he obliged, for obliging such wishes is what awesome people do. Freddy has unparalleled culinary skills, skills that he acquired when he travelled back in time – to Italy in an age where the Italians were eating daal chawal, and created what we now recognize as Italian cuisine. He spent 30 days and 20 nights (for he spent 10 nights making a boat for a boat party with a few immaculate Italian women, which incidentally is how yachts were created) brainstorming with an Italian cook, trying to create a new flavour. They ended up creating what we now know as Pollo Arabiata. It is these unparalled culinary skills that Freddy used to make his visitors a sumptuous meal after which everybody partied.
The party of course was pretty much everyone gawking at Freddy busting moves like a light-sleeping dad busts a sloppy teenager trying to sneak out of the house. The night was fantastic, legendary even and at the peak of it all, Freddy made a tribute to the best pigment-transplanted, plastic nosed popstar (and there is only one of those), Michael Jackson. He thrusted his hips and groped his groin and in one swift motion, went from air-banging into what is now recognized as the longest ever moonwalk, lasting for 27 minutes and covering 38 metres.
It should come as no surprise that Freddy’s speech at ASSHOLE in Lebanon was a great success. Freddy has never given a bad speech. Once Freddy was giving a speech at a Harvard graduation ceremony and had an allergic reaction to the lack of awesomeness in the chief guest. The allergy caused his tongue to swell up and his throat to contract, making him sound like Elmer Fudd’s twin sister. Even after this set back, Freddy battled on with his speech for another 40 minutes and finished to a standing ovation and a stern chiding of the Chief guest.
After his speech at ASSHOLE, Freddy decided to do a little sight seeing. He started off on foot, strolling through the busy streets of Beirut, but Freddy’s not the average tourist. His mind functions at such a high workrate that he didn’t have to stop for photos or for food. He was just legging it for the whole day and, next thing you know, he’d strolled cross-continent, across the Suez Canal and into Egypt. I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans do’; well there’s a similar, lesser known saying ‘When in Egypt, do whatever the hell you feel like’ and Freddy felt like walking like an Egyptian.