As I type, I can only imagine the expansive number of people sitting by their window – watching trickles of rain glide down the glass, wasting away precious minutes of lying in bed and doing nothing on a Sunday. It’s one of those things that you can only do during the monsoons, that and deliberately poking people in the head with your umbrella; which is fun until someone tries to pry your umbrella out of your hands and bludgeon you with it. Comparatively, wasting away precious sleep-minutes seems rather stupid but a lot safer.
The general reaction to the monsoon has developed quite a regular pattern over the years. It’s a noticeable trend in the papers, the news, at AA sessions and parliament.
It starts with “Oh hey!! The rains are here, let’s all go frolic and be merry and forget we have our phones in our pockets.”
Joy soon transitions into “Oh crap, it’s raining again and I forgot the cheap-ass zip-lock bag I bought to keep my phone in. I think I’m going to cry now.”
At some point, disappointment turns to submissiveness – “Ah well, my cow just floated away in the floods but it’s OK, I’ll just drink pig’s milk for a few months”
And eventually, it always ends up in rage “Damn you rain, I’ve lost my favourite pair of shoes, 3 cell phones, an old friend, and 8 weekends of drinking till I drop to you, kindly fuck off NOW!”
Clearly we’re not very good learners. So, as the dispenser of free and mostly useless knowledge, I have penned some of my #FTR (Fuck The Rain) rules for you. Some are for your safety, others are to help you out when you’re in a sticky situation and one or two are for your entertainment but they might cost you a few ounces of self-respect and dignity.
1. Stop freakin’ whining – This one’s pretty straight forward. We’ve all gathered you have a love hate relationship with the rain. The love is when it isn’t raining for 9 months of the year and the hate is when it’s actually here. We also know that you are very vocal about how the rain ruined your new shoes, jeans, gadgets, undies or other such pointless shit. Get over it and stop whining. Your tweet about the rain is not going to hurt its feelings. Instead, just make like Pamela Anderson and put plastic everywhere, it’ll keep you dry and a little less annoying.
2. Everything is a weapon – Now along with all the romance, wet T-shirt contests and well disguised man holes, the rain also brings with it a whole lot of chaos. People in the streets forget they’re people. And people who forget they’re people deserve to be beaten so use your anti-rain equipment as arms and beat the shit out of people. Poke, prod and jostle with your umbrellas. Open those badasses up and make an eight-point eye poker – An octo-ocular destroyer. Use your raincoat (why do you still have a raincoat?) as a distraction – people with raincoats are always presumed to be a little daft and are overlooked, avoid being overlooked by spear-tackling the Monsoon-protection fashion police.
3. The Sharing is caring rule – It’s an old saying and for good reason…because it’s bloody true. You share shit with people all the time – food, drinks, shitty stories that go nowhere; they owe you something in return and this is when you should claim it. If we can pack 800 people into a train compartment for 10, why the hell can’t we shove 6 people under an umbrella for one? Hell, raincoats are pretty loose, you have the right to sneak into someone’s when they’re not looking too!
4. The natural repellent – Obviously, Rule No. 3 is for you, under the assumption that you’re a hygienic, mentally stable, normal adult but it’s a jungle out there and you never know when someone who doesn’t comply to those criteria might use Rule No. 3 with you. So, here’s how you repel unhygienic, mentally unstable or abnormal kids and/or adults from getting to close. You jump. It’s not hard, just find a big puddle, make like a kangaroo and hop in! There’s nothing more fulfilling than watching a judgmental middle-aged aunty scurry off with mud stains on her stark white clothes. Just pray she wasn’t on her way to a funeral and you’ll be fine.
5. Pedestrians could use a shower – This one’s specific to drivers, and maybe kleptomaniacs. If you’ve ever been through a market, a train, McDonald’s or more recently, Starbucks, you’d have noticed that there are shit loads of people there….and some of them stink. Well, maybe monsoons are just nature’s way of saying “Hey you dirty pigs, here, have a free shower!” If you’re in your car, presume all pedestrians to be smelly and drive through every puddle or pot hole you see. They’ll hate you for it, probably curse you, your parents, and your existence for it, but in the long run, you’ll sleep easy knowing you gave some dude a free bath. If you are one of those pedestrians, there’s no reason you can’t help some your odoriferous counterparts out. Just grab their umbrella and make a run for it!
6. You could use a shower too – In extension to Rule No. 5, I hate to break it to you but you smell a little too sometimes. Just do us all a favour and frolic a little, please.
7. Are you an idiot? – Having said all that I have said, it’s time to face the truth. It’s rain. It’s water falling through the sky. It’s not a disease or an old man in the sauna, it’s just H2O, if it gets on you it’s not going to ruin your life or leave you scarred, you’ll get a little wet and if you’re wearing white, your nipples will show. No harm done. Deal with it.
8. You’re still pretty fucked – Oh, I might as well mention now that all the above rules are only regarding “rain”. As in precipitation, baarish, water falling through the sky. If you live in Bombay, you know that water once fallen, nowhere goes. If that happens, you’re going to be stuck in flooded streets, markets, malls, homes, etc. etc. and all hell will probably break lose. In such cases, this guide won’t do you any good, you’ll probably get more help from a guide to dealing with the Zombie Apocalypse.
Disclaimer: These guidelines have been framed based on my personal experiences in order to ensure that you can have a dry and wholesome monsoon experience. The rains have the inexplicable ability of turning a lazy evening drive and coffee by the sea into a swim for survival so it is good to have a few helpers in dealing with them. Following any or all of the above points could result in a severe bashing in of your face, head, groin area or any other body part for that matter. Read and execute at your own risk.