Fashion – Bamboo’s Guide to not looking like a retard.

Clothes were invented with the sole purpose of covering your privates and maybe some more skin that could be considered indecently exposed. Today, The inventors of clothes – Mr. Paul T. Shirt, Dr. Frank Pant, Sheep, Silk worms and of course Mowgli must be turning in their graves, repeatedly, as clothes are invented and reinvented to look like “Abstract art” (read “crap”). There’s a flurry of stupid quotes, ghastly designs, eye-watering colours and Borat’s mankini which when combined with a bad haircut can make a person look like their parents were siblings.

I have to admit, I’m not the most fashion savvy guy myself. Given the opportunity, I’d wear shorts, a t-shirt and slippers to pretty much any occasion and my haircut for the past 4 years has been a standard No. 2 trim. But it doesn’t take good fashion sense to know what makes you look stupid, just a mirror and some very opinionated friends should do it. If you’ve ever caught someone pointing and laughing at you as you walk past them, you either had gunk stuck in your teeth or you need these tips to help you look less like a jackass.

1. The hairdo – This one’s pretty simple. Next time you walk into the parlour, the barber’s shop or even just happen to fall into the sidewalk barber’s chair, just tell him you want a haircut that does not look like this Hill Billy Special.

Then there are the emo kids with their funky gel soaked, horse blinders hairstyle. The Polish Lowland Sheepdogs called, they want their hairdo back.

Also worth noting is that while it’s generally safe to try and ape a celebrities hairdo, like the Rachel, sometimes even the most popular of celebrities isn’t immune to the colloquial cock-up. Unfortunately Cher learned that the hard way.

2. Quotes are a no-no – For some reason having derogatory, insulting or just generally stupid quotes on your t-shirt is quite popular. Nothing yells out “I have the IQ of a goldfish” like a t-shit that reads “If you are rich, I am single” and everytime someone buys a t-shirt that says “Same, Same but Different” a tank runs over a litter of puppies. Instead of wearing t-shirts with quotes you might as well get a forehead tattoo that says “Please slap me”.

Think of it this way; have you ever seen Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp wear a t-shirt that says “Chick Magnet”? No you haven’t. Coz they’ve all already been bought by fat chick-repellant douchebags like this fella.

Women are guilty of committing crimes far worse because most women’s quote t-shirts imply with negligible subtlety that they’re desperate. Here’s an example of a t-shirt a woman smarter than a bar stool should never wear.

And obviously, this girl has serious daddy issues.

3. You got RIPPED-off – I gave up on finding a decent pair of jeans about 6 years ago because when I’m going to buy clothes I don’t want to waste money on something that’s been gnawed at by badgers. Yes, the whole ripped knees and faded jeans fashion was made popular by rock stars, and everybody wants to be a rock star, but rock stars perform on stage, they have musical talent, you on the other hand look like a street-bum when you’re walking to the bus stop or waiting in line at McDonald’s. Why anybody would spend 2000 thousand bucks on a pair of jeans that could have been picked out of a garbage bin is beyond me. If you are still hell bent on getting clothes with holes in them then I have a handy pair of gloves that I would gladly glove-slap you with for a fairly affordable price.

4. You’re not a plumber – That’s right, you’re not a plumber so pull your pants up and get a belt. We don’t want to see your checkered boxers, nor do we have any interest in your plumber’s crack/ass cleavage; especially when we’re sipping on coffee or grabbing a bite at a café. If you’re not bent over under a sink or in the toilet and your ass crack is peeping out the top of your pants, you’re a dickhead.

5. Don’t be gay – I have nothing against gay people. I do however,  have something against gay people that dress like this.

Please don’t be like him.

 

 

Disclaimer: These tips have been framed based on my personal experiences in order to ensure that you can look less like a retard. Decent clothes shouldn’t be so hard to find but yet somehow a whole lot of idiots get it wrong. Following any or all of the above points could result in you not fitting in with your hipster friends or being ostracized from the Twilight fan club. Which in fact, would be good for you.